letter to a friend

It's been a little while since I posted. There was absolutely no time last semester. But the last post, the post with the prayer for forgiveness, was honestly the beginning of true healing in my life. I can say God used that prayer to break the chains of oppression, fear, and hatred. Remnants of anger, frustration, and hurt still linger, but God is smoothing over the rough patches and teaching me even more about forgiveness and grace.

God is still doing big, BIG things in my life. I've sensed for a while God was moving, stirring my heart, and calling me closer to my life's purpose. This Sunday thankfully I did not oversleep church and was able to make it to hear a sermon written just for me it seems. God spoke and God moved and I responded. I will continue to seek him this semester, for everything else is loss compared to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ (Phil 3:8). I wanted to share this with a friend of mine who has also been going through this struggle. I hope it is some encouragement.

"Also wanted to share some encouragement with you. Sounds like recently you have been feeling stuck or maybe purposeless? Yesterday in church the speaker talked about a purposeful, meaningful life for Christ. It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear, what has been tugging at my heart for a while now. (And to think I almost overslept...) I am made for something bigger than this stupid, small, petty life I am living. I am made for big things for Christ. Giving it all to Him at this point doesn't scare me, it excites me! I feel like we are both at the edge of the great wide open--we really have the ability to go and do anything! We really have no limitations (other than maybe some money issues...) and we have no ties. So I would challenge you to do two things: 1) look to God. Dig in deep to Him. My greatest moments of discouragement are when I am farthest away from Him. I genuinely believe that. I'm not just being cliche or trite. My heart is excited, comforted, and filled when I am closest to Him. Moments I stray and do my own thing only give me fleeting and momentary pleasure. So I would also challenge you to 2) seek the specific and general purposes God has for you. You can totally move to France or Morocco, but why not go and do what God wants? Do something BIG...not just eat pastries and steal swizzle sticks. ;) HAHAH. Just teasing. But seriously, i believe you have SO many abilities and talents, things that make your own heart sing, and they can be truly marvelous and dazzling if used in the hands of God. That's what you were created for!

I know it is discouraging to feel like God forgot you. Like he moved on to someone or something else and left you with the scraps from the pile. But refresh and renew your mind--he has NOT forgotten you or passed you over. He is still completing a good work in you, whether you feel like it or see it or not. I believe this. Truly. I am excited to see what and where and how God takes you.

At the same time I say all of this with enthusiasm and delight and passion, I also say it with a broken heart. I'm not sure yet, but I think God may be calling me away from a certain relationship. I know this is a small issue in light of everything else going on in life, but it feels like a big issue for me. I am not sure he is ready to go along with this "big" thing God is doing. I know he wants to live a good life but a life for himself nonetheless, and I REALLY REALLY don't want to be pulled into that. I know my "panic button" is usually to just run from difficult situations. I don't want to wait it out for any amount of time to see what God may do, because that may mean I may get hurt. It may mean rejection, or worse yet growing closer to him and then having to let him go. Or it may be that God has a clear plan and this relationship will bring even more joy and blessings to our lives. But either way I am ready for God to do what he needs to do to get me to finally, once and for all, go all in for Him. I'm ready for it. Whatever the next chapter of my own life brings after graduation, I want it to be completely consumed and dedicated to God. The growth He has done in my life in only a semester's time is more than I ever thought possible. I see the new fresh budding and of hope and joy in my life in places that were dark and scary, rotten and discarded. Only God could do this. It is time. I don't want to waste any more days of my life being self-consumed. I want to use my talents and resources for him.

In this way you can keep me accountable. :) I know there will be selfish and sinful days, but "my heart is stirred by a noble theme" (Ps 45:1) and I'm ready to sing a new song. 

I hope this doesn't come off as preachy or condescending. I haven't got it all figured out, and even as I type this there are things of the world that are pulling my attention away toward momentary delight. But I will fight the good fight. I wanted to share it with you because I thought maybe you were going through some of the same struggles? If not...sorry to be so long winded. I just really want you to find your heart's satisfaction, whatever that looks like for you. I know some things are out of our control to a certain extent (husband, babies, money struggles, etc.) but we can control our emotions and efforts. So know that I am praying for you today and always to know God above all else and to be filled to the fullest measure. Don't lose heart! You are greatly loved and completely sufficient in Christ!

I love you. Keep me in your prayers and I'll do the same for you."

a cry for forgiveness

   Today I choose to forgive [Name]. I forgive him for allowing himself to be led and controlled and used by the enemy to destroy me. I forgive him for ruthlessly pursuing me, for his selfishness, for his pride, for hurting me, for controlling and manipulating me, for all the wounds emotional and physical he knowingly and unknowingly inflicted upon me. I forgive him for enabling my unhealthy coping mechanisms and bad behavior. I forgive him for holding me captive and not letting me go physically and emotionally, for not looking out for my best interests or respecting my wishes.
   Today I choose to forgive and cancel the debt [Name] owes me. He owes me nothing for God has paid [Name]'s debt through Jesus Christ. My redemption and salvation comes from God alone and does not depend on the frailty of man's apology. I may never receive an apology, but whether I do or whether I don't, either way I choose forgiveness. My own debt has been paid and so has [Name]'s. I release him from his debt to me through the power of Christ and thereby release myself from the chains that held me bound in anger, wrath, rage, malice, violence, hatred, and unforgiveness. I will walk in freedom and newness of life. From this point on when I see [Name] I will choose to see the face of Jesus and merciful forgiveness. I give [Name] over to God and relinquish my right to revenge. Justice will come from God. My vindication will come from God; He defends my cause.
   I choose to forgive those who continue to congregate with [Name]. I choose to fellowship with the light, not darkness (depression, oppression, sin, drunkeness, sensationalism, fleeting pleasures, temporary fulfillment, treasure that fades). I have been set free and there is no reason to walk back into a place of bondage and darkness. I will rejoice in my freedom instead of long for the sins of the past; I will choose to celebrate lasting and uplifting friendships of the light instead of grieve for the passing friendships built on worldly pleasures. I have no time to live in self-pity for I have a purpose in Christ.
   God, now pour into me your strength and your power to walk in the newness of life, the path of the righteous, the joy and radiance of the light. I am a new creation; the old has passed and the new has come. I celebrate the victory.  Forgiveness is a process, and I will continue in it until the healing is complete, your work is finished, and I am made whole again.

the start

I created this blog several weeks ago but did not actually post anything since I did not know where to start. I was a little hesitant, nervous. Didn't know what to say or how to say it. So...I'm just going to start. Here. Now. Join me for the ride...

I started this blog mainly so that people that I don't see on a daily basis can keep up with me. (Yes, this means you, Mom.) All jokes aside, I know that I need accountability in a major way this year. I want the changes that have started taking place in me at the beginning of this summer to really stick, take hold, and last, well, for a lifetime. I need a community to cheer me on, give me hindsight advice, and be encouraged themselves by watching the growth and miracles along this journey. I think we all need these things really, but this is a forum for my own personal cheering squad. I'll try my best to be honest, and I hope any readers will be honest with their feedback too.

I thought at the start I would list some things that may or may not be found in this blog from time to time. Take this as a disclaimer and read at your own risk. ;)


Things You May or May Not Find in the Following Blog:
1. Religious content. God is guiding this path I am on and I'm going to try my best-- no, I WILL gain victory through following Him. He is the Redeemer and author of this new story, and I'm excited to see how it turns out. Some will think I'm cooky...but oh well. I'll deal.

2. Recipes. I love cooking and baking, so I might share stories of culinary adventures here.

3. Health and fitness chronicles. I've recently lost a little motivation in regards to my daily exercise routine, but I'm jazzed about running races, pushing for better running times, weight lifting, and triathlons. I can feel the fire coming back; the embers are getting hotter.

4. Funny anecdotal life stories. Life happens and sometimes it's funny. I'll share. Like when I fell off the treadmill the other day...

5. Move reviews. They more than likely will not happen.

6. Book reviews. They more than likely will happen...but not frequently and it might be class-related.

7. Netflix reviews. They will definitely happen.

8. Laffy Taffy jokes. Yes, of course!

9. Pictures from African safaris. Will not be here. Did you think I had time to travel? To Africa? Right now? Really? ;)

10. Heavy use of punctuation and emoticons. Sigh. Yes.

11. Evidence that I am procrastinating. Obviously.

12. Random stuff. Absolutely. You can count on it.


If you decide to read, great! If you decide not to read, not a problem. Either way, I'd love to hear your feedback. Thanks!